


Leaving Me Behind

by wendyindahouse



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, College!AU, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2018-01-17 13:49:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1390036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendyindahouse/pseuds/wendyindahouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel and Dean have been friends since high school, but they're at college now and everything is different.  Dean clearly has other interests - other priorities - and reading between the lines, it seems there's no longer a place in his life for Castiel.  Though it's breaking his heart, Castiel decides it's the right thing to do to let him go and confronts him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leaving Me Behind

“Are you going to be around this evening Dean? I thought maybe we could order take-out or something …”

Castiel is relieved that his voice comes out sounding at least close to normal, though he feels anything but. He knows Dean won’t be around. He never is on Tuesdays, because he has a study group with Jo and some of the others from his course. At least, that’s what he says. Castiel happens to know it isn’t true; has known ever since he mentioned it to Jo in passing and she had no idea what he was on about. She tried to cover afterwards of course, but Castiel could see the confusion on her face, to be replaced by pity when she realised what had happened. And it hurts.

It hurts because he and Dean have been friends since High School, and he thought it was what Dean wanted too when they talked about rooming together, but now he thinks maybe Dean just didn’t know how to say no.

It hurts because Castiel has always been awkward, but Dean never seemed to mind – maybe even seemed fond of his eccentricities – and has always made time for him, but now he thinks perhaps Dean just felt sorry for him.

It hurts because Castiel has been in love with Dean since Senior year, when it suddenly dawned on him that Dean is really everything you could want in a partner: good, kind, loyal, generous and yes, beautiful, and that those butterflies in his stomach had nothing to do with anxiety and everything to do with Dean’s smile. And he had been ok with knowing it would never happen; knowing that Dean would never feel the same way. Having him in his life had been enough.

Except now… now he feels like maybe he doesn’t even have that since Dean is clearly making excuses to spend time away from him. And it hurts.

He suddenly realises that Dean is speaking, catching the tail end of his sentence.

“…studying again – you know I have study group on Tuesday” and can’t help the words that spill from his own mouth, tone dark and bitter.

“You don’t have to lie to me Dean. If you don’t want to spend time with me, just say so.”

He risks a glance up, and Dean is frozen to the spot, eyes wide.

“Cas I… I don’t… What are you talking about? I have to study, that’s all.”

Castiel sighs and looks away.

“I know Dean. I know you don’t have study group okay, and I get it. I really do. I know that I’m awkward and not that much fun to be around; that people think I’m weird and boring. And we’re at college now and there’s new people and parties and everything’s different and you’re better off leaving me behind, but I just… I just didn’t know you thought those things about me too.”

His voice is barely a whisper by the time he finishes, and he bites his lip, resolutely studying the minute hole in the toe of his right sock. There’s no way he can take the pitying expression that is bound to be on Dean’s face without making everything even worse by doing something stupid like crying. At least this way Dean won’t know just how broken his heart is.

“Cas, no… I…” Dean’s voice is croaky; oddly hesitant. Castiel supposes he just doesn’t know how to finally admit it and decides to help him out.

“It’s fine” he interrupts. “I’ve been to the housing office and they’ve found me an alternative room – a single actually so it’s better anyway really – and I can move at the end of the week. You’ll probably have a new roommate to replace me shortly afterwards”. His voice cracks at the thought of being replaced so easily – both in their dorm and Dean’s affections - and he coughs in a desperate attempt to hide it.

“No!” Dean’s voice is sharp and Castiel’s head jerks up at the sound. Dean is standing right in front of him now, and he is surprised to see what looks like anger in his eyes.

“Dammit Cas! I don’t… I mean… How can you be so clever and be so dense at the same time?”

Castiel blinks, confused, as Dean takes a deep breath and reaches out to place a hand on his shoulder, the weight of his palm feeling warm, solid and still strangely reassuring.

“Now you listen to me Cas. I do not think any of those things about you, and you damn well shouldn’t think them about yourself. If people can’t see how amazing and beautiful you are then they don’t deserve to be your friend.”

A blush spreads over Dean’s face as he speaks, and Castiel feels a corresponding warmth spread through his chest. He frowns, as he realises none of that explains Dean’s lie.

“But your study group…” he murmurs, glancing at Dean again, only to find he can’t look away as Dean’s blush deepens and he fidgets sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I uh… Well…” he falters, before taking a deep breath and blurting out “If you must know, I’ve been going to a songwriting workshop.”

Castiel can feel his own jaw drop in shock and Dean snorts.

“Yeah. I know. Ridiculous right?” he scoffs, and Castiel shakes his head in disagreement.

“Not at all. But I don’t understand why you had to lie to me about it. You should know by now that I’d never make fun of something that was important to you.”

Dean’s expression softens and his hand strays from Castiel’s shoulder, fingers trailing softly along his jaw before Dean seems to recollect himself and pulls his hand away, stuffing it into his pocket, shoulders hunching defensively.

“It was supposed to be a surprise” he mutters and Castiel is more confused than ever.

“I don’t understand Dean. A surprise for what? For whom?” An unpleasant thought strikes him and he feels sick as he asks tentatively “Do you have a new girlfriend Dean? Is that who you’re writing a song for?”

“No Cas” Dean huffs impatiently. “I don’t have a _girlfriend_.”

Something about the weight Dean gives the word girlfriend alarms him and the sickness becomes a lead weight in his stomach as he croaks “Boyfriend then?” and braces himself for the words he never wanted to hear. Because although Dean has messed around with boys before, as long as he never dated any of them he could at least tell himself he never stood a chance anyway.

“For heaven’s sake Cas!” Dean bursts out. “The song was for you alright? And I know it’s stupid and lame and… whatever. I know I goof around a lot and I flirt with pretty much everyone when I’m drunk, and I’m not smart – not like you – so it was the only way I could think of to show you that actually, I can be serious and…” he swallows hard before continuing quietly “… that I’m serious about you too.”

Castiel doesn't think he registered anything past the first sentence.

“You… You wrote me a song? Why would you…”

“Because I like you, you idiot” Dean interrupts, frustrated. “Because you’re clever and funny – at least when I can understand your jokes you are – and you drive me mad sometimes because you take everything literally and you don’t get half my references, but then you go off and read the thing or watch the thing so you can come back and talk to me about it. And because you really don’t know just how beautiful you are, and God, Cas… I never want to leave you behind. I want you with me all the time!”

Dean straightens his shoulders determinedly and steps forward - right into Castiel’s space - but he can see the fear in Dean’s eyes, can understand just how much courage it took for him to open up like that, and it infuses him with courage of his own. He lifts his hand to Dean’s face, thumb stroking softly over his cheekbone where the skin is still flushed, and leans in to kiss him softly.

“I want to be with you too Dean” he whispers, kissing him again, and Dean surges forward, wrapping his arms around Castiel’s waist and pulling him close as his tongue flickers across Castiel’s lower lip.

Castiel pulls back, and Dean chases after him, frowning, but he manages to at least temporarily evade him.

“Dean… does this mean I don’t get my song now?” he asks, the corner of his mouth quirking into a teasing smile as Dean groans.

“Later, Cas. Later” he huffs, walking Castiel backwards towards the couch. “There’s more pressing things to attend to first. Like the fact there should be a lot less talking right now, and a lot more kissing” he laughs, lips finally finding Castiel’s again as they sink to the couch in a tangled heap. Castiel’s voice is breathy as he pulls back once more to respond.

“I’m going to hold you to that Dean. But first I think perhaps you should show me what you mean about the kissing…”

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on tumblr, when I had an attack of fluffy, angsty destiel feels
> 
>  
> 
> [my tumblr](http://poorbeautifuldean.tumblr.com)


End file.
